Two Different Types of Oak Trees

Let's talk about New Orleans, shall we? I miss it. Quite a lot. Do I put it on a pedistal along with the people I know there? Yes. It seems like forever ago I made my first trip there, and for different reasons, but I can honestly say it was never a forgettable experience. For some reason the city has always appealed to me in a way Saint Louis hasn't. Saint Louis is relatively older than New Orleans, but history is celebrated there, in restoration of a once glorified old south. There is something about the atmosphere that breathes art within this town, in all aspects, musically and visually. A trait that has vanished or never was where I am now. There are so many different elements between the two cities. Saint Louis has it's strength in likings as well. And I'm afraid if ever I left the STL once again, I would miss it. Quite a lot. There really is no place like home. The idea of never coming back breaks my heart. I was born here, I will die here. It's as simple as that. The city itself may not support an artist of my kind, but it does reminise of familiar surroundings, and is a great comfort. I'll miss the forests. The hills. The little things. My family ties here and the growth of my life will never be replaced, no matter where my I am meant to be. I used to hate this place. An immaturity on my part and an excessive need to escape. This place used to represent a bubble, a cage. I want to see the world. Be able to be free and drive anywhere I please. I am a dreamer, and always will be. I've matured to understand it isn't as simple as that. Hard work and responsibilty come with determination. I have a feeling in my soul that I am meant for somewhere else at this point in my life, and I need the funds to support that.

Is New Orleans that place? It's hard to say now. My first move was within a short time frame, ending in disaster. The imperfections in my poor heart led me astray to another situation, another person, that I wanted to invest in but unsuccessfully struggled with. I was completely lost to the sole reason why I wanted to be there in the first place. I proceeded to fall down a long, dark hole of self-destruction. And so I returned home, tarnished of what could of been to the start of a new beginning. An ultimate failure. There are times I regret such hard times, but I know better to see it definitely gave me a wake up call to previous years of self-pity and desire. I am glad by it, but ashamed by it. And so the wounds were mended and the path started anew, and here I am, in the same status of financial debt as before, without the emotionally tormented debt and broken heart. I am relatively happier than ever before. I have grown old in the sense of making better decisions and seeing things for what they are. I understand life a little bit better, almost too much. Yet, my heart still longs to finish what I started, in New Orleans, for a new life. So many years have passed, I am often afraid that phase in my life has ended. I don't need to be there, that much. As an artist, I feel that it brings so much inspiration and opportunities, more so than here. Saint Louis is a business town, and at some point there is going to be a wall unable to climb. The last time I was in New Orleans, I felt as if it were goodbye, a gut feeling to my disliking. I only gather it had might have meant I no longer had the same dreams I once had. And I left (due to my unfortunate company), on a bad note. I have not made peace with this. I wonder if being unsure comes from the death of believing this one day will be successful. This also applies to my aspiring career choice and being able to maintain a stable lifestyle. I am becoming, well, practical, I think. Although I am often told I am not practical. Maybe cynicism comes into play. Another factor is my friendship ties to New Orleans. I find more comfort in the connections I possess there than those I have met most of my life. The people are different. I do not know how, they just are. My connections are often put to a hold everytime I leave, so no, maybe I do not know them all too well. But I value them no less. I just hope I remain faithful in their hearts. This matters in a potential move. Anywhere I go, I want a support system. I want to know people. Moving somewhere without a single person to call on or confide in, does not sit well with me. Being alone isn't even good for a Libra! In all seriousness, it isn't even good for a Maria.

The situation I am in now financially prolonges the ability to move to the next point. And because it's so, I have given up. I may never go back. I may never be a great Disney artist. I may never get into a school there, or any other I wish to proceed. I lack faith although I firmly believe in the concept of it. That's rather hypocritical. It's hard to put God in control, when I ALWAYS want to be in control. I am afraid by doing so, I will end up somewhere else. But wouldn't that prove a better result? I obviously do not know the answers I seek to the course of my life. It's these insecurities that get the best of me.

The Mean Sandman

I'm tired. I'm always tired. Nowadays, I sleep whenever I get the chance, which lately, has been all the time. Yet, I crave sleep. And when I sleep, I'm not really sleeping. I toss and turn, my back and neck hurt, and often I will wake up with a terrible pelvic pain relating to my illness. And no, pain pills do not work. I usually have to wait it out, and that can take several days, or even weeks. I sometimes take a muscle relaxant, which seems to do the trick, but I never can go back to bed. These past few months I've had a great nervous anxiety. Now, I've dealt with anxiety all my life, and this is nothing in comparison to what I've experienced before, but it keeps me from ever truly resting my body, or my mind. I am extremely afraid of my fears turning into reality, and this becomes more bothersome when I lie awake in bed. Often, when I finally do drift off, I have the most terrifying dreams feeding off these worries, and I wake up more anxious than before. Most of my dreams consist of me fighting off some evil harming myself or loved ones. Another reoccuring dream is trying to talk to my friends. I often become ignored as if invisible or uninteresting. Most recently, I am crying or screaming (as I said before, not in waking life). I have several dream books, but it takes no genius to know this is all about lacking or taking control, as well as living out my frustrations. When I would take sleeping pills for my insomnia, I would never dream at all (or at least, not that I remember). I soon became addicted, gained weight, and would be incredibly groggy or have tremors. It feels pretty good to no longer have a reliance, but sometimes I'm just plain exhausted. My chest feels overwhelmed with anxiousness over the few hours I get throughout the night. I try to sleep during the day as an excuse to avoid current reality. I know this isn't exactly healthy, but it's become such an awful habit of mine. There have been many times throughout my life I have been late, lost a job, or haven't done any homework due to these fears and desire for eternal slumber. And then the fallout contributes even more to the problem. I'm not entirely sure how to break the cycle, it's just something I've always done. Movies or books give some temporary comfort. I don't drink anymore, so drinking myself to sleep is not an option. I really am at a lost for recovery, so I'm hoping by expressing my feelings through here, I can give myself some relief to my concerns.

The Beginning

There has been some debate in my head whether to open a window into my personal life. See, I want to talk about it but I'd rather not talk about it. As you can see, I've decided to talk about it. For now. There have been many things weighing heavily on my mind, and unfortunately I've fallen into the trend of speaking of it through blogging, rather than finding insight from others in real life. Truth is, there aren't many others. And often, I find it a burden to discuss some of these things, especially when it comes back to haunt me. This may be the case starting this little world. Probably. I don't appreciate an unworthy or disliking to my personality or opinions, and when feelings in confidence are involved, it damn well hurts and causes me to retract. Delete. Erase any record of ever speaking it. Hoping you'll forget. Not that anything I say is upright offensive, it's just me, Maria. And maybe we can never truly say we know someone. I'd like the keep some thoughts and secrets to the very grave. I'm sorry, you'll just never know. I'm already giving you my trust in this. So all in all, please by the utmost kind. I really am a sensitive gal, and overall, a happy go lucky sweetheart. I'm just like any other person, needing to vent.