The Mean Sandman

I'm tired. I'm always tired. Nowadays, I sleep whenever I get the chance, which lately, has been all the time. Yet, I crave sleep. And when I sleep, I'm not really sleeping. I toss and turn, my back and neck hurt, and often I will wake up with a terrible pelvic pain relating to my illness. And no, pain pills do not work. I usually have to wait it out, and that can take several days, or even weeks. I sometimes take a muscle relaxant, which seems to do the trick, but I never can go back to bed. These past few months I've had a great nervous anxiety. Now, I've dealt with anxiety all my life, and this is nothing in comparison to what I've experienced before, but it keeps me from ever truly resting my body, or my mind. I am extremely afraid of my fears turning into reality, and this becomes more bothersome when I lie awake in bed. Often, when I finally do drift off, I have the most terrifying dreams feeding off these worries, and I wake up more anxious than before. Most of my dreams consist of me fighting off some evil harming myself or loved ones. Another reoccuring dream is trying to talk to my friends. I often become ignored as if invisible or uninteresting. Most recently, I am crying or screaming (as I said before, not in waking life). I have several dream books, but it takes no genius to know this is all about lacking or taking control, as well as living out my frustrations. When I would take sleeping pills for my insomnia, I would never dream at all (or at least, not that I remember). I soon became addicted, gained weight, and would be incredibly groggy or have tremors. It feels pretty good to no longer have a reliance, but sometimes I'm just plain exhausted. My chest feels overwhelmed with anxiousness over the few hours I get throughout the night. I try to sleep during the day as an excuse to avoid current reality. I know this isn't exactly healthy, but it's become such an awful habit of mine. There have been many times throughout my life I have been late, lost a job, or haven't done any homework due to these fears and desire for eternal slumber. And then the fallout contributes even more to the problem. I'm not entirely sure how to break the cycle, it's just something I've always done. Movies or books give some temporary comfort. I don't drink anymore, so drinking myself to sleep is not an option. I really am at a lost for recovery, so I'm hoping by expressing my feelings through here, I can give myself some relief to my concerns.