Slave to the Mouse

Wow, it's been quite a while since I've updated this thing, but here goes. I really need to get something off my chest. It might not seem much to you but it's something deeply personal to me (and I very likely will delete this soon out of regret), but I want to say it. I have a feeling it has been something that has been bothersome to many others, as well as my friends for some time, and that's Disney. This might seem outrageously stupid, but it is important. We all know I talk constantly over the subject. So much where I get on my own nerves sometimes. Truthfully, I've been doing so as if crippled leaning on a crutch; it's my safety net. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a Disney artist. And some of the best memories I've ever had were with my family at Walt Disney World. Back then I was so inspired to go for my dreams. I drew and attempted to animate my own Disney characters. I worked in the stores as a teenager. Soon after there was the Walt Disney World College Program. That experience had a huge profound effect on my life. I very quickly had to adjust to becoming an adult by being on my own. I had my first real love there. I made some amazing friendships and dealt with some very real serious situations. And while there, it was probably the first time I had to deal with some of the toughest issues within myself and grow as a person. Maybe once I got there, something within me changed. Somewhere in that time, I think I might have lost my passion. Part of me in some way doesn't think I'll ever get to that point of becoming a Disney artist. Honestly, I don't know if I really want to anymore. The feeling is not the same. I don't know if I've outgrown my desires or it's a matter of self-confidence. Being an artist alone is extremely hard. To even be considered in the Walt Disney Feature Animation department, you have to be the best of the best. You need at least an art degree from an art institute under your belt and even then there's no guarantee. That costs quite a lot of money. As I said before, I don't even know if I want to try anymore. Why invest so much time and money into something you halfway believe in? Quite frankly, these past few years I've appreciated the fine arts more. I enjoy studying iconic painters, illustrators, photographers, etc. I love painting different types of conceptual art. That's a pretty far cry from once drawing Disney characters. But what do I do with that? The idea of being a struggling artist terrifies me. I want to do it, I want my own gallery. It's something I've been interested in for a while. I just don't know if it's as realistic as I want it to be when it comes to supporting myself for the rest of my life. Should I really get a fine arts degree then? These are all questions in my mind I've been dealing with for years and something I've been trying to figure out. Meanwhile, I've been painting a bullshit canvas of lost dreams and putting on a show for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Disney. I just don't love it as much as I once did. I watch my dvds, I look at the art, and it makes me sad. When I take trips with my family to Walt Disney World, sure I have fun and I do love it there, but it still makes me sad. I've been in denial for so long sometimes I just refuse to accept it. So I play it up. I talk about it a lot, as if I'm the biggest fan ever. I cling onto it because as I said before, it's all I know. I want some of that motivation, that passion back to being a great Disney artist. I want some of those happy memories to continue giving me that necessary drive. Sometimes I feel like if I invest myself so much into it, it will. But as I've been learning, feelings can't be forced. You just have to let it happen and not worry so damn much about it. It may no longer be a huge part of my life as it once was, but I should have been honest with others and myself. We all know I'm a sensitive girl and this has been an extremely sensitive subject only because I've been hiding it for so long. It's not my religion. It's not my whole world. Everything can't be revolved around Disney as I've led myself and others to believe. It's just not real. And if any of you feel obligated to put me at a stopping point on the subject, please do. I will talk about it if I must (because it will turn up once in a while), but I do respect the wishes of others more. And the reason why I say that is because before recently, I have heard this before. And instead of doing something about it, I was too proud and didn't respect someone else's wishes. That severed my relationship with that person and pushed them away. It's just not worth it. I don't want to lose the person I care about now, and I dont want to lose any more people in general all because of Disney. This could've been talked out and the damage would have been avoided. For that I feel responsible. Maybe it's best this remain a family thing, you know? And if you think I am trying to change myself for another person, you're wrong. I started changing a long time ago. I just want and need to do the right thing because I care.