Repeat

I feel like there is a record player skipping on repeat in my ear. It doesn't matter what anyone says or what he says. I'm still broken. He doesn't want me.

I was finally able to go to bed last night around 3am, after again breaking down in tears. It's more of a silent sob now, which I feel seems to be the worst. That, and the angry sobbing/falling to the floor ordeal. That part I hope has passed, it's been a few days. Overall, the wound has become deeper and deeper since time speaks the truth more and more each and every day; with every silence and his unseen face.

When I finally slept, it was a deep sleep, and amongst other dreams, he appeared again. We were in bed together, laughing and playing at something. For a moment it felt exactly how I felt every time we did do that together, just acting cute and silly, which is a big deal considering nothing has made me laugh or remotely smile in over a week. It felt so warm, like bliss. All of a sudden, I had to get up to talk to someone or get something. As soon as I came back to bed with him he had this look of anger on his face and was so cold towards me. It almost reminded me of the night the first time he broke up with me after Van Goghs. I had never seen him so angry before until that night. I was astonished in my dream and very confused; I tried to consul him but he wouldn't listen to me and wouldn't really talk to me. And then he just got up and left. That's when I woke up and I realized I had started crying in my sleep. I haven't done that in a while, it's probably been almost a year. I couldn't go back to sleep after that, I just had this incredible urge to call him to believe we still might be together, just to hear him say everything was okay.

I'm literally driving myself insane, in sleep and in wake, and it just won't stop. Somebody please make it stop.